"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis