“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright