“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown