"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare