"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”