“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey