“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers