"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”