“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal