"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown