"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous