“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown