"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.