"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."