"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”