"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud