“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."