“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken