“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”