"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore