“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous