“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey