“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine