"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."