"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino