"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown