"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg