“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.