“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben