"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"I don't tan. I burn"
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty