“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck