“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.