“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”