“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"I don't tan. I burn"
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Time wounds all heels."
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan