"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”