“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright