Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman