“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson