"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing