"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell