“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown