“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus