“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown