“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown