"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan