"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown