“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett