"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.