“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman