"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner