"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor