“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.