“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey