"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”