“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"I don't tan. I burn"
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”