“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray