“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck