“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”