"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien