"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence