“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.