"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown