“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."