"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald