“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."