"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“The road to success is always under construction.”