"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard