"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford