“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill