Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde