"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry