“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West