"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.