"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown