“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly