“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield