Funny Quotes

The funniest quotes that have made us laugh for years, plus some more modern ones...

Funny Quotes

“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”

- Phyllis Diller.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx