“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer