“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno