“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx