"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper