“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”