“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison