"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes