“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman