“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard