"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“Monday should be optional.”
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan