“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Monday should be optional.”
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown