“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl