“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield