"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”