"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill