“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."