"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke