"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."