“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis