"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson