“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
The temperature can only go up from here.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski