“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous