Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser