"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron