“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.