"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"