[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead