“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella