Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"