"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams