"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.