“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"