"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
The temperature can only go up from here.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing