I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray