"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown