“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono