If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth