"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown