When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown