“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen