“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells