"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon