“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”