“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns