“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”