“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein