"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong