“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx