“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers