"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown