“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield