"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett