“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield