“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.