At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein