“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam