“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown