“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."